Best of the Worst Spotlight: Wish Upon

2023/12/03 に公開
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In this latest installment of the popular series “Best of the Worst” the boys delve into the 2017 hit film “Wish Upon. But what exactly is a wish? Well, put simply, a wish is something you really want, but can’t make a reality yourself. Something that just will never ever happen without an external force, often a mystical or supernatural one. An example would be: you wish you had superpowers or win the lottery or that there would be a Half in the Bag on The Batman. These are things you cannot make happen yourself or will never ever happen under any circumstance. You don’t say, “I wish I could go out and get Taco Bell”. That you can make happen. That is not a wish (although afterwards you will wish you didn’t (excessive bathroom problems). The film “Wish Upon” asks the question, “What would happen if a dimwitted high school girl found a magical Chinese wish pot?” What would she do? A normal adult would wish for Rich Evans to sit on their face. But our hero, Clare, wishes for things a dumb kid would wish for. She asks for the popular girl to rot, a hot boyfriend to not have sex with her ever, her slippery gay uncle’s fortune, her garbage-picking father to be “Clinton cool”, and to be the most popular girl at school. I’d personally wish for laser eyes and a clear line of sight on mother’s ex-husband’s penis. Or to not have to wear a diaper when I walk the runway (I’m an obese male model). So Mike, Jay and Rich watch Wish Upon. Rich has never seen this film before. Mike and Jay have. In fact, they’ve seen it numerous times, but still get many details wrong. This film is as lame as a Hollywood film can get. A pathetic script was the key to all of this. Lame kills, bizarre choices, no real stakes or consequence or rules. Failed tension. And cringe like you’ve never cringed before. Even when you ate that lemon you thought was an apple. This movie is the store brand mac and cheese of movies. The Walmart brand mac and cheese. With a 14 million dollar budget and a gross of 20-something million I’m sure the moopie squeaked out a profit of a few hundred bucks, but at what cost? The reputation of Hollywood star Joey King? A blemish on the spotless resume of John Leonetti? What about the millions of teens or mentally ill adults who went to see this film? They wasted their time. They were hoodwinked by a traveling carnival barker! “Get your horror film! See the greatest horror film, right here folks! Step right up!” only to sell them a big bowl of bitch sauce and then leave town the next morning. That’s NOT siracha hot. And what about hunky monkey Ryan Phillips? His stardom went up like the Challenger. Off to space he goes… oh… Wish Upon. But certainly an actor with a decent resume can survive a hit like this, but what about them teens in the film? Without making the obvious “wish I didn’t act in that film” joke, I bet they regret acting in this film. So many agents got fired they are now agents… AT A RENTAL CAR COMPANY!!! How many of Jean Luc Picard’s mothers hung themselves after this fat wet fart of a film. How many more Wish Upon’s does the world need? I remember the days of the Renaissance™, when artists were artists. If you sucked, you swept the streets, baked bread, or just went off and died. There can only be so many Michelangelo’s in this world. Now, any clown can write a junk script with a whack concept that looks good to teenagers and make a film of it. We need to get the clowns out of Hollyweird. We need less creeps and pedos and more real filmmakers not peddling this trashcan of grumpy bitch sauce. However, to speak of the positives. Rich Evans was semi-thrilled at the concept of watching this film. We forced him to watch this and he got a kick out of it. In fact, his pants became so filled with human eggs he needed to change his chastity diaper. The real deal breaker though was the fact that I used his precious Nanoo in the video as an example. Now Rich’s grandma Nanno (1919 – 2000) has been in a grave for a very long time, however, this is a sore spot for Rich. While he loved his sweet stinky grandma, Rich secretly wished for her passing. Her care became a burden. Prescription refills, trips to the doctor, sponge baths, etc… One night Rich found an old magic 8 ball and while you typically ask a magic 8 ball questions, Rich had made a wish that fateful night. He said, “I love my dear Nanoo, but alas I wish she’d fucking die already”. The very next day Nanoo continued to live for another 12 years. Rich was furious. So, of course, he thinks this movie and it’s premise is total fucking bullshit.